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PostPosted: Sep 11th, '11, 18:07 
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Puns for Intelligent People

Puns for Intelligent People

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.



2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3.

She was only a whiskey maker,

But he loved her still.



4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,

Because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5.

No matter how much you push the envelope,

It'll still be stationery.



6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

And was cited for littering.



7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France

Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



8.

Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.



9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.



10.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.



11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.



14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre

Said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from

Prison was a small medium at large.



16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and

Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



17.

A backward poet writes inverse.



18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.



19.

When cannibals ate a missionary,

They got a taste of religion.



20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,

You'd be in Seine .



21.

A vulture boards an aeroplane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says,

'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'



22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'





23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craf t.



Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that

You can't have your kayak and heat it too.



24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain

During a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,

With the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.


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PostPosted: Sep 12th, '11, 16:16 
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Cardiologist's Funeral



Thought this might make you chuckle!

Cardiologist's Funeral


A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.


The vicar fainted.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 17th, '11, 19:15 
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 17th, '11, 20:16 
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Good advice
:drunken: :drunken: :drunken: :D

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 19th, '11, 08:28 
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Teller and the PM



HOW TRUE

The Prime Minister of Australia, Julia Gillard, walks into a Perth bank and asks to cash a cheque for $2000..


Teller: "No problem madam. Could you please show me your ID."?

Gillard: "Well, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need.
After all, I am the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard"

Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID."

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am."

Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard : "Is there some other way around this?"

Teller: "Look, here's what we can do: a while ago now, Greg Norman walked into the bank
without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and a golf ball
and trickled it ten metres across the floor into a cup. Then we were sure he was
Greg Norman and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Pat Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and
lobbed a tennis ball fifteen metres - right into my coffee mug. After that spectacular
shot we cashed his cheque.

So, what can you do to prove to me that you are really the Prime Minister of Australia?"

Gillard stands, deep in thought for what seems like minutes then finally says:

"My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing"

Teller: "Would fifties be OK, Prime Minister?"

:laughing3: :laughing3:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 19th, '11, 09:14 
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:laughing3: :laughing3:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 19th, '11, 12:49 
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 30th, '11, 20:28 
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BEST QUOTE OF THE YEAR ...

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POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD


An illegal immigrant in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up killing the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state-wide manhunt ensued. The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what?

The Coroner also reported that the illegal man died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied "When you are shot 68 times, you are, naturally, gonna die."

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PostPosted: Oct 6th, '11, 14:55 
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INTERESTING OBSERVATION.





1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.







2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.







3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.






4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.







5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....






6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:-





The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


There must be a ton of people in Canberra playing marbles!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 6th, '11, 21:13 
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THE POOPIE LIST
Bathroom Humor at its finest:
Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!
The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

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Mr Bill's System
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 7th, '11, 10:02 
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Curnow wrote:
BEST QUOTE OF THE YEAR ...

Attachment:
BestQuote.jpg


POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD


An illegal immigrant in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up killing the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state-wide manhunt ensued. The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what?

The Coroner also reported that the illegal man died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied "When you are shot 68 times, you are, naturally, gonna die."


:laughing3: :laughing3:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 19th, '11, 08:02 
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How good is this ! ?...

HEALTH MESSAGE (please give me a break)
Attachment:
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As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realised that I don't really give a rat's arse.
It's the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 24th, '11, 02:06 
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I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one
recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an Airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
In my present condition, I am doing good to walk!

_________________
Mr Bill

The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan. You just have to be able to modify the plan.

Mr Bill's System
Mr Bill's Future System
Mr Bill's Dirt Garden


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 24th, '11, 13:39 
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Location: Baldivis WA
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PostPosted: Nov 12th, '11, 17:36 
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Location: Mitcham, MELBOURNE, VIC
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Are you human?: Sometimes!!!
Location: Australia Victoria Melbourne Mitcham
2 TOUGH QUESTIONS


Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant,
Who had 8 kids already,
Three who were deaf,
Two who were blind,
One mentally retarded,
And she had syphilis,
Would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts..
Here are the facts about the three candidates.


Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses.
He also chain smokes
And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.


Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice,
Sleeps until noon,
Used opium in college
And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.


Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero..
He's a vegetarian,
Doesn't smoke,
Drinks an occasional beer
And never committed adultery.


Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first ... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.



Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.


Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.


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